Oh, The Irony of it All!

The date is not a mistake. I seriously have not contributed to this blog since October 16, 2012. I was not incarcerated nor was I incapable of taking a few moments to share a few musings of my daily existence.  All I have been doing is living my life ... the same life millions of other wives/moms can relate to. I believe that my family has needed me and I have risen to the occasion as best I could. I’ve endured the eye rolls from my daughters and welcomed the reassurances from other moms (and dads) who give it their best every single day.

My husband, Brad, is still beside me in this little matrimonial adventure. In fact, we are approaching our 30^th wedding anniversary this year. I know in today’s society, that alone gives us superhero status. But when we married, it was old school thinking - that whole ‘for better or for worse’ nonsense. From the moment we decided to marry, I think we decided to put the effort and care into a marriage and not a wedding. We took it seriously – we still do.

We are still living in Nova Scotia. Since my last blog, Brad and I have explored the vineyards of California, forced two of our daughters to enjoy the beaches of Florida on a budget and even frolicked as a happy couple in the turquoise waters of Mexico. Okay – frolic may not be true – I mainly floated. But I can pretend I looked like the models in the brochures.

There are so many places where future travels will likely take us. But I think it’s safe to say we are content to be visitors. I think as we age and look towards retirement, the thought of a warmer climate and a maintenance free condo or apartment enters our thoughts. And we likely will downsize at some point ...  but probably to a nice little bungalow with a water view in Nova Scotia. I guess this Bluenoser suffers from Dorothy-itis  – there’s no place like home.

The girls have certainly moved forward in life since the last blog! Emily was just starting grade 12 and now she has graduated Dalhousie Pharmacy School. Rachel has left the nest and is finding her way around the big city of Montreal. And my baby, Colleen, is in her final year of high school and trying to decide which university is ready for her.  How can this even be possible?? I could go in to great detail about their lives – proms, graduations, boyfriends, heartbreaks, friendships, weekend excursions, accidents, girlfriends, challenges, hospitals, relocations, tears and laughter -  but I realize there is a good chance they may read this someday. So I’ll leave it at that and let your imaginations take over the direction of the roadtrips they took.....

To say that 2020 is a typical year would be a huge understatement. 

“Here’s to Making 2020 the Best Year Ever!”

What an idiot I was when I declared this on my Facebook page. (Please stop the snickering. I still can’t quite navigate my way confidently through Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat.) But I thought it had to be better than the previous few years – let your imagination run wild with what possibly could have been wrong from 2012 to 2019. 

As 2020 began, you would think that Australian wildfires killing over a billion animals or a downed jet that killed Canadians or the impeachment trial of a US President (cough) would be enough for one year. But that was only the first month! February came and the locusts swarmed Africa. Okay, so this should definitely have been a red flag, right? But even as tornados and floods wreaked havoc in the world, we all just kept smiling and minding our own business. Even though something was quietly creeping into our lives....

Covid-19. Coronavirus. SARS-CoV-2. No matter what you name it, this is the game changer.

As of today, there are almost 3.3 million cases worldwide and almost a quarter-of-a-million deaths.  And despite what some naysayers want us to believe, it is much worse than the common flu. It has killed far too many people – even the ones who appeared healthy and strong. The worst of it is how people die – without the comfort of their family around them. They die only with the medical staff and essential service people in the hospitals or nursing homes. The families cannot even say goodbye to them respectfully because of social distancing. It is by far the most heart wrenching disease because of all it takes away from both the patient and the family of the dying.

And it is especially sad in our little corner of the world. This was the year we would see Emily graduate from Pharmacy. She had her graduation trip planned to Punta Cana. She accepted a fulltime position and was all smiles. She and Chris were looking towards their future together ... did someone say German Shepherd? But all of this has been changed. She is working lots of hours in a career where customers are unhappy with the drug restrictions placed by the government. She maintains her sanity throughout the process by stepping into her running gear to blow off steam on a trail that is still allowed to be used by the public. She is tough. 

Colleen is my baby. And yes – I probably spoil her. But life hasn’t always been kind to her the last few months. (Again, no explanation as I respect her privacy.) So when she started applying to universities and I saw a bit of genuine happiness beneath her smile, I thought it was all going to be okay. She had lots of options and getting through her last semester of high school was all that stood in her way before moving onward to better times. Her prom dress was bought in December. A trip to Montreal with friends was in the works and it was going to be the best summer of her life. She was looking forward to the Cavendish Beach Festival with friends. And then came Covid-19 and many tears. Online schooling has prevailed. Trying to put up with your parents daily is a challenge when there are no other siblings at home for commiseration. The ball gown sits in her closet. Cavendish has been officially cancelled. And every day she checks how many new cases of Covid-19 there are in Nova Scotia – hoping for a turnaround that isn’t going to come soon enough.

And this takes me to Rachel. I can only describe this child as my heart. It is a strange thing but I have no other way to describe our relationship. She has never taken an easy path in life. She places herself in the  biggest challenges possible. Being in Montreal is right for her and I have accepted that. But Quebec is also the province with the worst Covid-19 outbreak in Canada. Yet the leaders there are allowing the least restrictions. All I want is to put her on a plane back to me and hug her and never let her go....and there’s a reason for this.

Strangely enough, the last time I blogged, I was feeling blessed. Thanksgiving had come and gone and after a torturous few weeks, my doctor confirmed I did not have breast cancer. I was elated. And I was also devastated because my sister-in-law did. We both had our biopsies on the same day and we dreaded what might be on the horizon. Brad quietly lent his strength to me and continued to tell himself both his wife and sister could not possibly have breast cancer at the same time. And although he was overjoyed for me, his heart sank for Cynthia. 

But if cancer ever picked the wrong person, it was Cynthia. She tackled the beast (and the breast) and is stronger than ever. I was amazed by her ability to beat the disease and continue life with normalcy. She continued to be an amazing mom. She ran and exercised and travelled. She laughed --- and I would assume she probably cried a lot. I think Cynthia and I have a shared admiration and respect for each other. We both have three daughters and we both have had to tolerate Brad’s antics for a good portion of our lives. My kids love their Aunt Cynthia ... especially Emily who shares the love of running with both Cynthia and Brad. (I am so glad that they have this common interest so I do not have to go all in on the running thing.)

So what does this all have to do with 2020? 

I found a lump. I had a biopsy. This time it was positive.

I have breast cancer.

I had a lumpectomy and left axillary node clearance. 

And now I’ve started chemotherapy. I will need radiation and another drug by IV called Herceptin until April 2021. And after all that, a pill for at least another five years. If I do all of this the right way, I will decrease my chance of recurrence in the next ten years by almost eighty percent. And that is a reason to listen to my doctors.

And it’s also a reason to hug the crap out of your kids....

But we are living in a time like no other. Social distancing means I can’t hug people who aren’t in the same household. I can’t put Rachel on the plane home. My circle of family and friends can’t visit me – even on those days when I feel sad or sick or depressed. On the days I do feel good and want to venture out, I can only walk in my neighbourhood with my mask on. During chemotherapy, I can’t hold the hand of a friend or family member at the hospital. I go by myself and think of better times ahead. This is my new normal and it's not easy. 

I try to make sense of all of this. And that leads me to a confession.

When I found out that I had cancer, I was not surprised. I knew. Just like I knew I was pregnant before I took the test each time. I’ve only cried a handful of times and have never really felt like it was some kind of injustice. I was more upset seven years ago when I thought I might have cancer. The only thing that weighed heavy on my mind when I was diagnosed was the fear that I wouldn’t be healthy enough to enjoy my daughters’ graduations and celebrations. If Rachel came to visit in the summer, would I be ill and frighten her? I didn’t want cancer to make me weak. Most of all, I didn’t want people to look at me as the mom with cancer because my girls deserve so much more recognition than that.

Enter Covid-19. 

And I no longer had to worry. Suddenly, everything is cancelled. Everyone is staying at home if they are not an essential worker. Staying in my pajamas all day is perfectly acceptable. When I need to go out, I don’t stand out in a crowd because everyone is wearing a mask. And when my hair falls out, everyone will think I just shaved my head like all the other bored quarantined people did. Ironically, I got my wish.

And for that, I am truly sorry.